TERMS OF USE

This page contains profanity and a bunch of other stuff deemed, by some, as appropriate only for the
eyes of someone over the age of 18. Therefore, it is not recommended for children. If necessary,
please check your birth certificate to ascertain your age. If you are thin skinned, and feel that
your sensitivities, moral values, or political beliefs may suffer from what you may read here, then
please go here. I cannot be held liable for dumbasses who hurt or injure themselves
emotionally,physically or in any other way by reading what follows. You proceed at your own risk.

By continuing to read this page, you agree that you are not easily disturbed, and actually enjoy
profanity, things of doubtful morality or borderline indecency, and deem political correctness a
load of crap.

"Look," the doctor says to his patient,"I want you to stop masturbating!"

"Why," the man says; "am I going blind?"

"No... because you're freaking out my other patients in the waiting room."

An elderly lady knocks on the door of the young couple that had just moved into the building.The husband answers.

"I heard that you're newlyweds, and just got back from your honeymoon," she says. "I have these two tickets

to the theatre, and if you and your wife would like to see a show, I'll give 'em to you."

"Thank you," the guy says,"my wife's in the shower, I'll ask her."

He turns around calls out to his wife: "Hey, honey: would you like to see Oliver Twist?"

"You show me one more trick with that damn thing, "she calls back, "and I'm going home to my mother."

Two men in a supermarket collide with their shopping carts.

"Please forgive me for not paying attention," says one,"but I was looking for my wife."

"It's OK," says the other; "I seem to have lost my wife too."

"Let's go find them. What does your wife look like?"

"She's a slim blonde with long legs, tight ass and high boobs. What's yours look like?"

"Never mind... let's look for yours."

A 17 year old hillbilly girl tells her parents that she is expecting.Shouting, cursing, and crying, the father says,

"Who did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of the backwoods shack.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and
enters the house. He sits down in the living room with the parents and the girl, and says:

"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take full responsibility. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a beach villa and a
$1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, a townhouse in Manhattan and
a $2,000,000 bank account. However, should she have a miscarriage... "

The hillbilly father, who until now remained silent, places a hand on the man's shoulder and says:

"Well, I reckon you'll just have to come back and knock her up again."

After years of courting, Donald Duck finally got Daisy Duck to spend a weekend with him at a resort hotel.

But when Donald wanted to have sex, the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

Donald went down and asked the desk clerk if they sold condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said. He pulled one out from under the counter and asked,

"Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am"?

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,

"Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in the Army for three years"

"That's good, that counts as extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"

"Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

"O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 to 4. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A .M."

"But if the hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at ten?

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit

around scratching our balls.......there's no point in you coming in for that.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles from the Vatican to a Rome market.

"I've never come this way before," one of them says.

The other shrugs and says, "It's the cobblestones."

A man staggers home very drunk one night. His wife is furious and demands to know

whether he's been out with another woman.

"Another woman?" he protests. "Hell no. The guys and I went down to this new bar at

the other side of town, and it was great. It's called the Gold Bar. Everything is made

of gold. The entry door, the bar, the tables and chairs, even the toilet bowl is gold."

She doesn't believe him and the next day calls the bar.

"Is it true that your door is made of gold?" she asks.

"Yes, it is," the bartender says.

"And your chairs and tables too?"

"Yes they are -- all gold."

"And your toilet bowls too?"

There is a moment of silence, then she hears the bartender talking to someone beside him,

"Hey, Charlie. I think I got a lead on who pissed into your saxophone last night."

A man goes to the psychiatrist with a complaint about having terrible nightmares.

"Tell me what these dreams are about," the shrink says.

"Well, there is this bar in the woods. It's near a lumber camp where all the lumberjacks come

in every night. All they do is drink and fight and act rowdy all night long. There is a piano

playing, and a dozen showgirls kicking their legs high in the air up on the stage. Drunk out of

their minds, the lumberjacks keep grabbing the girls and try to pull them off the stage. And

it's the same dream every night, doc."

"I see," the shrink says, "but why do you think of it as a nightmare?"

"Because I'm the third chorus girl from the left."

A new man is hired at the factory. He works like a dog all week long, impressing the foreman,

but the following Monday he calls in, saying simply, "I'm sick." The next day he shows up, and

works like a dog for the rest of the week. But come Monday, he once again calls in saying,

"I'm sick". The boss tells the foreman that this practice has to stop, or he'll have to fire the

man, so the next day the foreman calls the man into his office to have a talk with him.

"Look," he says, "we like your work and we want to keep you, but you'll have to come to work

every day. What's with Mondays? Do you have a drug or alcohol problem?"

"Oh no," the man says. "I don't have a problem with that, but my brother -in-law does. He gets

stinking drunk every Sunday, and then he beats up my sister. On the way to work Monday mornings

I stop by to check on her, she cries on my shoulder, I hug her, we kiss, and the next thing I know

I'm screwing her all day long.

"Hey," the foreman says; "you mean to tell me that you're screwing your own sister?"

"Well," the man shrugs; "I told you I'm sick!"

A man dies and goes to hell. He is sitting around moping when a little demon comes up to him.

"Hey, why so glum?" the demon says.

"What do you mean, why so glum? I'm in hell, and I'll be here forever."

"Cheer up, hell's not all that bad," the demon says, "we have all sorts of fun here."

"What sort of fun?"

"Well, for example, do you like sports? How about booze?"

"Yes, I like sports. I like drinking too."

"Well, there you go. All we do every Monday is watch ESPN. We get football, baseball, basketball,

boxing and hockey, and you can drink all the beer or whiskey you want. And since you don't have to

get up to go to work the next day, a hangover is no problem. Do you like to gamble?"

"Yeah, I love gambling."

"Well, you're in luck. Tuesdays we watch horse races all day, then play poker all night. Do you smoke?

"Yes, I do."

"You'll love Wednesdays. We hand out cigarettes, cigars, pipe tobacco, even pot if you like,

and you can smoke to your heart's delight. You're already dead so you can't get hurt."

The man thinks, hey, maybe I was wrong, and hell's not such a bad place after all.

"What's on the agenda for Thursdays," he asks.

"Are you gay?" the demon asks.

"No, I'm straight."

"In that case, you're gonna hate Thursdays."

A man walks into the doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the receptionist asks.

"Something's wrong with my willie," he says.

She admonishes him for his language in front of the other patients, and tells him to go out

and come back when he's ready to speak in a polite tone. He departs and comes back in.

"What seems to be the problem?" the receptionists asks again.

"My ear," he says.

"And what's wrong with your ear?"

"I can't piss out of it."

An elderly lady hobbles into a bar full of Harley-Davidson types, and declares that she

would like to join the gang. Her request is met with loud laughter.

"Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?" she is asked.

"Yes, I've been riding for 62 years," she responds.

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, I can chug-a-lug a fifth of whiskey in five minutes flat."

"Do you smoke?"

"I've been smokin' cigars since I was twelve."

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No,"she says, "but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Three old geezers sit on a park bench comparing health notes.

"If I could just take a good leak once a day, I'd be happy," one declares.

"You think you got problems," the second one says; "I'm so backed up,

I'd be happy if I could take a good dump once a week."

The third guy says, "You guys should have my problem: every morning at six

I take a leak, and at seven I take a big dump."

"What's the problem with that," the others ask.

"I don't wake up till seven thirty."

A man on the make approaches a woman sitting at the bar.

"I'm a man of few words," he says; "so do you want to fuck?"

"My place or yours," she says.

"Well, hell," he frowns, "if you want to argue about it, forget it."

A religious lady applied for a sales opening in a neighboring town's hardware store and was accepted.

She found the small town's atmosphere to her liking: people were nice and properly spoken, and

although the store was often busy with various craftsmen, she never heard an objectionable word.

One morning a young man wearing a toolbelt and hardhat walked in.

"May I help you?" she inquired.

"Yes, ma'am, I need to buy a file."

"What kind of file are you looking for?

"A flat bastard," the man answered.

True to her nature, she threw a fit. She ran into the manager's office and complained

about the customer's foul language. The manager sat her down and explained that "flat bastard"

was indeed the proper name for a certain type of file, and asked that she apologize to the customer

for her irrational behavior. That afternoon a rough-looking man drove up on a Harley-Davidson.

"May I help you?" she inquired.

"Yeah, I need a file."

In an attempt to demonstrate her newfound expertise, she asked,

"Would you like a flat bastard?"

"No," the man replied, "I want one o' them round mother-fuckers."

My internal medicine doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

The teacher asked her students to give examples of using the word

beautiful twice in the same sentence. Mary held up her hand.

"My mother made a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"That's very good," the teacher said, "anyone else?"

Lois volunteered with "I picked some beautiful flowers and made a beautiful bouquet."

"Very good," the teacher said. "Anyone else?"

Johnny held up his hand. The teacher hesitated, but then decided to let him speak.

Johnny said:"When my sister said she was pregnant, my father said, 'beautiful, just fucking beautiful'".