Clean jokes, the kind you can tell your mother or in polite company, are about as rare as a Madonna video with clothing.
Here are a few you can tell without embarrassment or being accused of the dreaded political incorrectness:
A day after purchasing a canary, a man returns to the pet store demanding a refund.
"You sold me a bird without legs," the man complains.
"Well, what do you want," the shopkeeper says; "a singer or a dancer?"
A penguin walks into a bar, sits at the far end of the counter, and orders a funa fish sandwich and a beer.
"You can talk?" the bartender asks.
"Of course I can talk," the penguin replies. "How else could I get a good paying job?"
"What kind of work do you do?"
"I'm a plasterer. I'm working on that new condo project across the street."
The penguin keeps coming in every day for weeks. One day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster stops in for a drink.
"You won't believe this," the bartender tells him, "but there's a penguin that comes in here every day at noon, and orders a
tuna fish sandwich and a beer. You may be interested in this guy for your circus."
Sure enough the penguin comes in and orders the usual fare. The ringmaster is astounded, so he approaches the penguin.
"Look," he says, "I'm the ringmaster of the circus that just came to town."
"Oh yeah," says the penguin, "the big tent at the edge of town, huh?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me..."
"What the hell would I do in a tent," the penguin replies; "I'm a plasterer."
During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed
a winning bid told the auctioneer,
"I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
A man calls his home and a strange voice answers.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"This is the maid."
"How come I don't know you?"
"The lady of the house hired me this morning."
"Well, let me speak to her."
"I'm sorry , but you can't. She's entertaining a man friend in the bedroom."
"Hmm, I see," he says; "would you like to make five thousand dollars?"
"Yes, I would."
"Good. Now take the revolver from the desk drawer and go upstairs and shoot them both."
He hears footsteps fade, then two gun shots, then footsteps approach again.
"OK, I did it." The maid says. "What do you want me to do with the bodies?"
"Throw them into the swimming pool."
"Swimming pool? There is no swimming pool here."
"Uh.... is this 481-6245?"
An office manager takes two of his employees out to lunch. One of them kicks a bottle on
the sidewalk, the bottle breaks and outpops the proverbial genie.
"Thanks for freeing me," the genie says."In return I'll grant each of you a wish."
The first guy says, "I want to live on a tropical island and be surrounded by beautiful women."
The genie waves her wand, and the guy disappears in a puff of smoke.
The second guy says,"I want to live the life of a worshipped Hollywood movie star."
Again the genie waves her wand, and this guy too disappears in a puff of smoke.
"And what would you like?" asks the genie of the manager.
The manager looks at his watch and says, "I want those two back in the office at 12:30."
A duck walks into a store and asks the man behind the counter, "Do you have strawberries?"
"No," the man says, "they're out of season.
The next day the duck comes back and asks, "Do you have strawberries?"
"No," the man says, "I told you yesterday they're out of season. Now don't ask for them
again, or I'll staple your feet to the floor."
The next day the duck is back again. "Do you have any staples?"
"No." the man says.
"Good. Do you have strawberries?"
A woman walks into a convenience store, picks up a roll of toilet paper, a quart of milk,
a TV dinner and a candy bar, and goes to the checkout counter.
The clerk looks at her and says, "You're single, aren't you?"
"How did you know?" She says, "Is it because of what I bought?"
"No," he says, "because you're ugly."
Two elderly couples get together for a barbeque on a Sunday afternoon.
While the women prepare a salad in the kitchen, the men tend the steaks outside.
"We found a great new restaurant last week." Says the host."You should try it."
"What's it called?"
"It's uh... uh... what do you call that flower that smells good but has thorns?"
"Yeah, that's it..." the man turns around and yells into the house, "Hey Rose! What's
the name of that restaurant we went to yesterday?"
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to a physician and the fizz had him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the fitting fizz and the fizz said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I
don't know, " he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."